(Source: wnq-writers.com)

(Source: healthyhappysexywealthy)

I haven’t been on here awhile again. Ah a lot of stuff has happened since then. I guess you can say that I’ve moved on? Or that I lost feelings towards him.. I don’t really know how he’s doing, but I hope he’s okay. I still think about him everyday, but I don’t miss him. I still wonder what’s he is doing or how is he doing. Things like that. Is that part of missing him? I’m not so sure anymore. But we haven’t talked for about 3 weeks now. It’ll soon be a month.. and I guess that’ll continue from now on. I guess I still sad about getting use to it. I don’t know if I’ve found comfort in the things that are not asked. I know we’ve both gotten use to it. Our lives are changing everyday. I don’t think you’re thinking about me, but I won’t know that. I still talk about you like you are here with me, talking to me everyday. I hope you’re well. And I hope your mom is okay too. I still couldn’t say everything that I wanted to say.. and sadly I don’t think I will get the chance to because when I do, I still don’t say it. Haha what am I scared? It’s the sad truth but I’ve gotten use to it. You still have a place in my heart. It’s okay that you’ve moved on, and won’t feel the same way anymore. Somehow I find peace in that thought now.. I hope you’re well and happy. That’s what I want for you. I’ll always be here if you need anything. Even if we don’t talk anymore, I’m still here for you.

I’ll see you soon. 

It’s been awhile since I’ve been here. It’s a late happy New Years greetings from me.

Well I haven’t felt the need to write much. I did at some points but I couldn’t really find the words for it anymore. It’s been a tiring year. Even though the year has already started I can tell that I might just hate it as much I did with last year. I guess for starters, I finished my first semester in college! Being in break for a month and 2 weeks is definitely weird, haha in the beginning I was pretty depressed. It was about him and things like that. I felt pretty suicidal on Christmas Eve and Christmas. I remember a lot of suicidal thoughts were going through my mind. I wasn’t stable and I couldn’t think straight. I was a pint to do something stupid for someone who might not even care so much. I was then told that they broke up. Then a week later he told me she was going to see him. Ahh this really fucking stabbed my heart to the core. From that moment on I just felt so dead. I didn’t even feel anything anymore. I was dreading it in the beginning yes, but afterwards I was accepting it? Because there was nothing I could possibly do about it. It was inevitable and they would eventually meet. Of course we decided we wouldn’t talk for awhile. It was something we both needed. A friend confessed to me that he had feelings for me, and so I thought I felt the same way? Ahh I was lying to myself again.. It’s terrible right? The things we do to feel? I tried so fucking hard to reciprocate the feelings back but I simply couldn’t feel anything at that point. Maybe I’m just numb. Eh who knows. But anyways, my mind was stuck on that for awhile. It felt nice to not think about him all the time because why should I think about him when he’s not thinking about me? Or wondering if I’m okay? Because I don’t believe that he cares or shows that he’s thinking or wondering if I’m doing okay. He left again, and it’s not the same. I’m trying to be okay with that. He sounds like he’s doing just fine so there really isn’t any need for me to be there by his side.

We’re going to talk about it? Talk about what? How are we going to talk about it. Your definition of talk always ends up sexual or that we just brush it off until the very end. It’s always like this because I simply can’t seem to roll those words off of my mouth anymore. I was tired but I was never tired of you. Don’t say things so nicely or want me to stay close to you. We’re not close anymore, I’m sure you know that. You even said yourself that I don’t know you anymore. So how can you consider me anything more than a friend? We’re just strangers and we keep trying to talk and talk. I don’t know if you’ve noticed the way I’ve been talking but that shouldn’t matter right. Because no matter what I do, it won’t get your attention. I’m just lying to myself again. I don’t feel anything. I’m not so sure if that’s me being use to it, or that I’m lying to myself or I simply don’t feel anything. This feeling is here to stay for awhile. It feels a lot different from the type of sadness or being depressed or empty feels like. I’m not so sure how to explain it anymore. When you rejected me I already experienced being sad, depressed, busy and stressed out but it felt all too different from what I’ve known. Then when you told me that she was coming to visit you, I felt a different type of sadness. And now hearing that you’ll visit her, I didn’t feel sad. I’m not so sure if I do. But I know that I’m not crying, I feel empty as the usual. I feel a bit frustrated? Because there isn’t any point to tell me right? It’s just to update me on your life right? But you should know that I always remember and I hate remember shit like this. I don’t want to know what you do with her. Go have sex with her since she’s your fucking gf, because it shouldn’t concern me anymore. I don’t really want to care anymore and I’m not so sure if I still do? Maybe I’m frustrated because I know I deserve better. That I shouldn’t need to hear that. Did you even consider my feelings when you told me that? Because I’m not so sure what you’re trying to get at unless I’m just thinking too much about it. But honestly I don’t want to care about it anymore. You can leave and you can go do different things. I’ll still hope that you’re doing okay even though I shouldn’t be. But I’ll tell myself that quietly as I’m moving forward too. I guess this is the process that you go through. I wonder where it’ll take me..

Good bye.

aik2:

being open and honest w someone about your feelings in general or about a certain situation feels relieving and good when you’re met w respect, love, tenderness, and validation. it can be incredibly hurtful and damaging when you aren’t. I hope that you’re always met with the love & respect you deserve

It’s been a really long week.. Last week I’ve been crying all week.. I wanted to kill myself on Christmas Eve and on Christmas. I got into an argument with a close friend on Christmas Eve. I just wanted to die. Crying felt like I was dying. I swear I wanted to die so many times but here I am trying to pick myself up because there’s nothing left I can do.. I’m still fucking sad and I’m a fool.. I’m the bigger fool here.. I’m still hurt.. Im still not over it.. Why didn’t I let you go already..? Why didn’t you just stop.. Stop doing those things.. Saying those things.. I actually want to cry now because there’s just nothing I can do.. There’s no second chances this time around.. I feel like when I get a chance I fuck up and I don’t say what I really want to say.. I’m sad that I’m tired of this feeling.. I’m sad that I have to let you go or that I need to let you go. I’m sad that I’m going into the new year thinking about you when you don’t even think about me. I’m sad how this year turned out between the two of us because it was the most fucking hardest year for me. And I feel like.. Even if I visit you.. I feel like I’ll feel a lot farther than I am now towards you.. I don’t even feel close.. Not a slight bit anymore.. It feels like all I ever do is fuck up or not say how I really feel. But even if I do.. It won’t change anything right? Because it doesn’t matter how pretty I look or the clothes I wear.. It’s always down to character.. I know I’m boring, I’m not special, I’m repetitive with everything in life, love, affection and so on.. You can get annoyed by it.. You can tell me you don’t like it anymore.. Tell me that you’re bothered by it.. I know you are.. Don’t say things like “I like the way you are now” don’t tell me lies.. When you’ve picked my flaws before.. How I’m too much.. I’m sorry.. I’m sorry I made you too important.. I’m sorry I put too much effect into my love for you.. I’m sorry that this is how I feel.. I’m sorry that I’m boring or uptight.. that I’m no fun.. I’m sorry that I grew up too quickly to understand how to have fun.. I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough.. It’s so obvious that you don’t love me anymore.. So it’s okay if you don’t reply.. I know you don’t want to talk to me.. It’s okay if you don’t.. Because it’s nothing different and it’s nothing new.. I’m use to it.. It’s fine.. You’re happy.. It’s fine..

… I need to let you go.. I can’t keep you here anymore.. You already left 2 years ago.. You’re not here anymore.. You’re not here anymore.. You’re not mine or anything like that anymore.. You already left before I could say anything..

Goodbye..